FAQs

A.:     In a nutshell....sorry, but, no.  You may not use the artwork.  Please refer to the BACK FORWARD, 'Terms and Conditions' page for further information.

Q.:      Is Will Ferret, in fact, Captain Beefheart, a.k.a., Don Van Vliet?

A.:      No, although ever since his elective surgery he has often been stopped on the street and asked this very question---typically by elderly women.  WF's response to such unsolicited queries is, 'No, I am not.  However, I do often play him on T.V.'

Q.:      Did Will Ferret play Captain Beefheart in the role of the ship's captain in the original, but never-aired pilot episode of, 'Star Trek: The Next Generation'?

A.:      We here at Badgerland Studios are wholly unaware of any such Star Trek episode's existence.  We do believe that if such an episode were to exist, the role of Captain Beefheart would most likely have been played by Patrick Stewart (largely due to a contractual obligation).  We do wish to qualify, however, that this is pure speculation

Q.:      Why did Captain Beefheart quit playing music?

A:.      Rumors run high and wild of course, but we deeply believe it was most probably because people too often mistook him for Captain Janeway on Star Trek Voyager

Q.:      Is Will Ferret married?

A.:      He was, but alas, nevermore, nevermore

Q.:      Is it true that Will Ferret's sixth wife left him for Captain Beefheart?

A.:      Really?!!  So that's where she is?!!

Q.:      Well, we're not certain, and that's why we're asking you...

A.:      Well, we're not certain either, and that's why we countered that question accordingly!

Q.:      So...where were we?

A.:      You were asking about Will Ferret's guest appearance on several episodes of the Brady Bunch

Q.:      Really?

A.:      Is that the question?

Q.:      I'm confused now.  I'm giving you the answers and you're asking all the questions.  Can we trade places?

A.:      Sure.  Why not?

Q.:      So, tell me...who are you, and why are you asking all of these questions?  Look into the light when I'm talking to you, Mr. Big Question Person!

A.:      Can I please have some water?  It's getting kind of hot in here!

Q.:      No!  No water for you!  Just answer the question!

A.:      Was that the question?

Q.:      What?

A.:      'What?' meaning, what did I just say, or, 'What?,' meaning which, 'What?' was the question?

Q.:      Come again?

A.:      O.K., you lose that round!  Now it's your turn to sit in the hot seat!

Q.:      It is?!!  Do I get a glass of water, or...?

A.:      There'll be no water for you, and furthermore, there'll be no escapes from this camp!

Q.:      Why am I wearing this number?

A.:      Because you are number.  You're number Nine.

Q.:      Who is Number One?

A.:      I am Number Six

Q.:      I am not a Number!  I am a free---!

A.:      Release the Brickbats!

Q.:      Hey?!!  Aren't you the sixth wife---wife Number Six?!!  The one who's allegedly shacking up with Number One?

A.:      In the end, we are all ex-wives

Q.:      (Suddenly through Door Number Three, Captain Beefheart bursts into the room with a laser bean gun, just as through Door Number One, Patrick Stewart bursts into the room with a large bowl of durian fruit, which all happens just as Will Ferret bursts into the room through Door Number Two holding absolutely nothing at all!)

A.:      'I am Number One!'  Captain Beefheart exclaims, dangerously waving the laser bean gun around in the air

Q.:      'No, Number One.  You're my Number One, but not, 'the 'Number One,'  Patrick Stewart calmly answers, as he daintily swallows a teaspoonful of the rank fruit with great relish

A.:      'And Number Six and Number Nine, here, are two of my ex-wives?!!'  Will Ferret wildly proclaims with no small degree of doubt

Q.:      THE END

 A.:     ‘Maybe not...,' mutters Patrick McGoohan